How We Attained Immortality

Twelve hours a day.  Four days.  That’s what it took. Thankfully, this time was split between the two of us. Considering the need to attend class, do homework and party, there’s no way one of us alone could have sustained such a mind-numbing amount of gameplay. What I am referring to is perhaps the greatest achievement of my life, if also the one I’m least proud of. For a shining moment, my roommate and I attained the #1 rank in the world on “Call of Duty: World War 2.”

I remember the days when I would get an adrenaline rush and sense of pride for finishing a game with a kill-to-death ratio of three or four. During my run for immortality, that type of performance barely got my bowels going. Wanna know how to make it to #1 in the world at Call of Duty? Then all you have to do is subscribe to my personal website for a minimal rate of $10 a month. Kidding. I don’t have a personal website dedicated to video games but if I did, it would hardly be worth $10 to subscribe to. But seriously, the way to reach #1 in the world is by completing headshot challenges for every class of weapons in the game. That’s the way to score the most points, so we were basically just able to earn points at a much faster rate than other players at the top of the rankings.  The headshots might sound difficult up front, but WW2 has some of the best game mechanics out of any game in the Call of Duty franchise, a point I was made aware of upon returning to play a few games on “Call of Duty: Black Ops 3.”  I’m not familiar enough with the terminology of these game engines to detail the changes, but I insist it’s something you’ll notice very quickly. And my point is that headshots in WW2 are super easy to obtain once you acclimate yourself to these new mechanics.

Why is this worth it, you might ask– what could possibly be so enticing that we’d spend nearly 12 hours a day playing one video game? Well, I’m not saying it’s worth it — unless you’re bored and are able to easily motivate yourself to do mindless work, as I did during our school’s winter term.  But my roommate and I were motivated by two things: first, the chrome skin, attainable only upon completion of headshot camouflage challenges for every weapon in the game; and second, the prospect of becoming the top-ranked player in the world. Did we reach our goal? You’re damn right we did — in a little over a week, I might reluctantly admit.

So imagine that: simply numb your brain (with alcohol if necessary), spend every second of free time playing, and disregard your friends and family for a week or two, and you too could become the top CoD player in the world! Somehow, writing this post doesn’t make me feel any better about all of my wasted time. But maybe it will for you. Good luck, my fellow no-lifers; may the utter lack of fulfillment you receive from this challenge wake you up to the fact that your GPA sucks and that your acceptance rate to grad school is no higher, if not much lower.

-Joey Schemes

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